1461 Tears

Originally published in Heraldo Filipino Volume 38, Double Issue

 

On the 3rd of November, Xander’s chest pounded like tomorrow did not exist. As he stood before the cafe’s pane of glass, he gazed upon his own reflection—a series of smiles playing upon his lips. His heart raced; filled with excitement and anticipation, a surge of nervous energy consumed him. His senses heightened with every breath, gasping every second it took the past four years they had yearned for each other. The vast glass stood between him and his best friend like a large canvas separating them from the familiar warmth of their conjoint presence. 

There he was sitting in quiet repose, cross-legged, eyes glued on his phone. For Xander, seeing him meant peace. 

A silhouette casted a shadow on Luke’s vision: tall and well-built. As he looked up, the sun rose behind the familiar figure, the light piercing through the glass. It didn’t take long before the figure shifted to cover the sun, thus revealing a familiar face—the sight of which came with a pang in his heart. A gleaming expression welcomed him but “Hi” was all Xander could say. The sun was nowhere in his sight, but there stood another ray of sunshine before him. They exchanged a few seconds of glances before enveloping each other in a tight embrace.

“Hello,” Luke smiled. Xander’s heart warmed at the sight of such a lingering smile. There was shame in admitting how much he missed it—the smile that brought back a gush of shared history—his high school years, the smile that celebrated with him through wins and losses and the smile he’d been yearning to see through the downswings of college. 

As soon as they both sat down, their conversation sparked.

How are you? What have you been up to lately? How’s Tito and Tita? I saw your siblings, School’s fine, We’re finally graduating, Time flies, Did it really fly, I miss you, I miss you so much, Can we talk about—, About what?, About what I di—

“Let’s not talk about that,” Xander abruptly said, a sense of panic looming in his eyes. “We haven’t seen each other for four years, Luke. Please, let’s not do this.”

“Xander,” Luke uttered in a descending tone. 

“Why don’t we just talk about your secret admirer from Manila who kept on sending you gifts?” Xander chuckled in his attempt to divert the course of their conversation.

“We have been trying to sweep this under the carpet for four years. I’ve had enough,” Luke said firmly.

“How can you even say that?” Xander’s face wrinkled out of frustration. “You’ve had enough? You have not come home for four years—four long years—and you’ve had enough? You were out there in a completely new environment… a fresh start. I was stuck with the same people for four years, and not even once did my best friend come home!”

“I’m sorry, Xander,” Luke said, finding Xander’s gaze, unable to discern whether he was upset or disappointed. “I’m sorry if I haven’t been here for you. I wanted to come home but I just couldn’t.”

“You did come home,” Xander said with such emphasis. “You came home twice, summer of sophomore year and Christmas of junior year.”

A wave of shock swept through Luke’s face. He didn’t expect Xander to find out. For the two occasions he came home, he sought refuge behind the walls of his home. He didn’t want to face Xander yet. The guilt was still eating him up. But now, all he can feel is remorse and hate towards himself for not being there for him when he needed him most.

“For these past four years, I’ve been passing by your house every day just to see how everyone’s doing. Occasionally, your mother would see me and let me in.” He paused. “Every day, for four years.”

“But my house is on the other side of town.” Luke tried to make sense out of what he just heard.

“When I first saw you inside your house, I was very excited. I almost ran through your door and embraced you, but before I could even dare, you started breaking down. Your cry was audible even from the outside,” Xander recounted, his fingers beginning to fidget on the table. “When I walked towards your front door, I heard you crying to your mother, saying my name and how much you hated the thought of seeing me.”

Tears started streaming down on Xander’s face, and Luke didn’t have the words to wipe it away. Even poetry done beautifully enough couldn’t justify why he persisted in steering away from his best friend. Instead, he tried to explain. “It wasn’t like that,” Luke said. “I just couldn’t bear to see you yet. We shared a lot of history, Xander, and you know that. We communicated for four years but we never talked about what happened.”

“But, why?” Xander asked for an explanation. “You’re my best friend—”

“Best friend?” Luke echoed. “Are you serious?”

“Luke—”

“Best friend?” Luke repeated, this time with more stress than the first time. “How long would it take for you to acknowledge Sa—”

“Let’s not bring her name into this—”

“We killed someone, Xander!” Luke exclaimed as his fist landed on the table. 

“We’re in public.” Xander’s eyes widened. Shortly after, Luke sighed in defeat. “We did not kill her. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

“How in denial can you be?” Luke hissed. “It has been four years since—”

“I was his son.” Xander’s voice trailed off into a murmur of melancholy.

The table immediately fell into silence as soon as he uttered the last word. The tension rose easily as it fell, the voices of rage and urgency became whispers of apology. They were quiet for a minute or two before Xander broke the uncomfortable silence. “I hated my mother, I did, but it didn’t mean I wanted her dead.”

“I’m sorry, Xander.” Luke’s voice broke down. “This is all my fault. I’m sorry.”

“Please,” Xander pleaded. “It was no one’s fault, not even mine.”

“I killed her,” Luke said, for that was his truth. “Every day, I regret why I even did what I did. I’m sorry if my emotions were too intense that I forgot to act straight, if it was too overwhelming that I gave in to the voices in my head.”

“I liked it as much as you did,” Xander admitted, his mouth curling into a bitter smile.

“But Luke, that kiss did not kill my mother. Sure she was traditional who cared more about the Bible than her own child, but her suicide letter was dated weeks before we shared that rebellious kiss. She was going to do it, Luke, not even love can stop her from doing that. I know her reaction was violent after seeing our lips pressed against each other, but my mother is not that shallow to kill herself over that.” 

Silence occupied the table once again, but this time with lesser tense. The pain and guilt Luke carried throughout those four years suddenly became lighter. Hearing those from Xander definitely eased up the pain, but it was replaced by another ache, the thought that Xander’s mother was planning her death weeks before and not one of them noticed. Xander still smiled, but Luke could tell it was not entirely genuine. Their eyes searched each other, until they both shed another tear, and chuckled in unison. 

 “Xander,” Luke said with a faint smile.

“Let’s save the conversation about my mother some other time,” Xander said as he held Luke’s hand. “Now, let’s talk about the good thing first. Shall we?”

“I don’t know where to start,” Luke said.

“Well, I do.” Xander beamed a smile again. Their eyes started to dry up, and their energy was radiant again. What they were feeling was not purely joy, but at least there was a hint of it. And so Xander cleared his throat buckling up for a confession and said, “So… did you like my gifts?”