In the dark of the day

Run.

They say that demons crawl at night, waiting for darkness to take over someone before they rejoice in glory as the victim is filled with thoughts of doubt, pain, and endless sadness. No way out from that cage you were forced to build around yourself in hopes that it would protect you from what seems to be inevitable. 

At times, everything changes and adapts to strength only for everything to return to being weak. What was once a creature of the night appears as you wake up filling you with tears that would overflow from your eyes. For hours on end, you cry until you feel dehydrated with one main question: What have I done in my past life to not deserve happiness?

It’s 2:00 PM and you have just woken up from another round of sleep from the crying that you just did this morning. With numbness flowing through your body, you remember the feeling of failure again from your failed subject followed by the feeling of not being enough and being a disappointment for your parents as they fund yet another semester for you. 

And then, you remember that recent fight you had with your significant other, making you question every inch of yourself again as you want to burst but nothing flows out. Am I not worthy for happiness? You stare at the ceiling wanting to get up and do the things you are still required of doing but you just stare blankly for an hour and so—lifeless, numb, and running out of hope.

time is not wasted when it means caring for ourselves

You finally get up by 3:30 and start to get a move-on. You reject all responsibilities thrown at you for what you think is self care but, really, you just lost the drive that pushes you to do everything. You continue to feel bad no matter how much you  stuff your face with food or even if you don’t eat at all.

Stop and breathe.

Eventually, you realize that all feelings you keep on ignoring will always be there feeding off of you and there’s no point in faking it. You can’t always fake everything until it becomes reality. We have to accept the fact that we’re not okay and understand that’s okay.

It’s okay to frown and not put up a smile in front of people. Cry all day and let everything out. Life is not designed to be perfect and spotless. Everyone will have their own days filled with misery and despair.

Accept.

Accept that there are those days where all you feel is hopelessness. One thing that you won’t learn in school is that growth and healing starts when you accept the fact that you’re not okay.

***

It has been almost two years since I got myself checked professionally and despite doing so, I know and still feel that I am not okay but that’s alright. It’s all a process and caring for your mental health is not the easiest thing to do, because despite all the medicine and help you get, it’s ultimately up to you. All of which took me by surprise because I thought once I’m on medication, that’s it—that’ll be all that I need. But a part of it all is conditioning your mind to be strong as the medicine is only there to help you, not to totally heal you.

It all boils down to being the only one there for yourself at the end of the day. We must remember that our minds are made to be stronger than we think it is. This goes out to everyone who is struggling constantly to even breath day by day. These things won’t last. The demons who we think control us is not as powerful as they seem to be. Just stop, breathe, and accept. Healing is not an easy nor a quick feat. It’s a process that takes time differently from person to person.

I’m not fully okay and that’s okay. We live in constant fear that we may be wasting our time crying and sulking but time is not wasted when it means caring for ourselves.